The struggle of being femaleπŸ’…πŸ‘œπŸ’„

Sure it’s great growing up playing with dolls. Playing dress up and all that fun stuff. Then bam we’re teens and all the shitty stuff starts happening. We get boobs, which not only get in the way, their kind of a pain in the ass. We got to find the right bra and finding a comfortable bra….. forget it. Padded is uncomfortable and no use if you have bigger boobs. Plus when you wash your padded bra the boob shapes never end up right again. You will end up with lop sided titties. Or a Cyclops uni-boob. Either way it’s far from sexy. If you go the wire route just know at the wrong moment your wire will rip out of the bra and impale you. It hurts most likely you will bleed and then if you’re not somewhere you can do a quick fix you will again have a uni-boob and again we are on the non sexy train. You can either try and make a hole and rip the other wire side out or jam the wire in the hole it came from. It’s a struggle no matter what you choose. Then we have the sports bra with is some what more comfortable but you always have one boob and you can’t run or you may slap yourself in the face. You will have to try and take your rouge titties. All this goes out the door when you have a strap failure, you have the option if there is enough to tie a knot or you could make a tube top bra which could fail your boobs and drop them like a bad habit. Leaving you with a oh shit nip slip. This is just the beginning….

Then we have the whole period shit. This is pure torture!!! Seriously this may in fact be the worst single thing about being a female!!! This can cause your boobs to hurt, backache, and severe cramp’s. I’m not talking like baby cramp’s in talking like don’t want to breathe feel like you’re dying cramp’s. It feels like something is attacking you from the inside like some little monster is ripping you apart. It’s always made worse by stress and life is full of bullshit and stress. Forget about wearing white or light colors. Forget about trying to prepare and predict when the evil beast is coming because you will be wrong. Forget be optimistic and thinking it’s gone too. Nope it will be right back with a vengeance. Then prepare for an emotional rollercoaster like no other, you will literally hate everyone and everything. Then you will cry over hating everyone and everything. It will completely screw with you. I don’t usually but sometimes I crave sour stuff so I eat a few lemons. I have never craved chocolate but a lot of women do. Seriously guys if or when your woman has her period be nice do something extra special because we are going through hell while our bodies battle themselves. We can also have bad leg cramp’s, get the shits or get constipated I mean the list goes on and on. NONE OF THE IS A FUN RIDE! Periods are messy and a pain in the ass. You never hear any woman say oh I wish I had my period, or I can’t wait for my time of the month. Buying pads, tampons are also expensive. It’s not like it’s something we can go without, we can’t choose not to have a period. Or be like nah I don’t need tampons.

We also have to go to the coochie doctor. We all hate this it’s always awkward, and really hard to have any kind of a conversation with a doctor whose all up in your business. The exams are not very painful but they do hurt sometimes. We usually try and picture ourselves anywhere else but where we are. Sometimes doctor’s make really awkward comments, like oh I need the smaller speculum you’re really shallow….. Ummm like I don’t give a shit don’t talk about it just get the shit over with so I can get dressed and feel like a human again. Then when we get older we have the whole mammogram thing. Yippee we get our tits squeezed in a machine like you’re milking a cow. Another awkward thing we have to endure. They hurt they pinch and no matter what men think it’s not fun having your tatas flattened like a pancake.

We also have the I’m old enough to shave stage. This is where it’s so cool to shave you feel empowered, like a real woman. You shave like every few hours, yes I’m exaggerating but you get the point. We shave even when we don’t need to when we are younger. When we are older we switch to the shaving season mode. Winter were cool let the shit grow, then summer ugh bring back the hedge trimmer we’re hairy as heck. We burned ourselves out in the early years of shaving, now we only shave below the knee.

The older we get the more shit we go through. Having a baby is great I’m sure. Unfortunately I’ll never know the feeling of being pregnant or giving birth so I can’t speak on it.

Then we have menopause to look forward too. This I can speak on because in going through it. It’s sucks like really sucks. You get horrible hot flashes, you’re moody and no one understands you. You have anxiety, depression and sleepless nights. At times nothing makes you happy. You just want to be left alone, then other times all you want is a hug and for someone to tell you it’s all going to be ok. In the dead of winter you could wake up sweaty and nasty. Guess what you still have your period too. At this point you really feel cursed. We go through so much being women I don’t think men can or will ever really grasp what goes on with us.

Sometimes I’m like wtf why couldn’t I have been born with a penis, I’m glad in a woman but it’s a struggle. So cut us some slack sometimes! It will be greatly appreciated.

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Giving up or hanging on

At what point do you give up on life? How much pain do you have to deal with before you say enough is enough. I can handle a lot of pain and put on a smile while crying on the inside.  I have done this for years, I also know I’ll never be out of pain but I can handle being a 6 or 7 on a pain scale but dealing with a 10+ is making me got out of my mind. I can sleep, I don’t want to eat or drink. I’m so exhausted I can’t remember having conversations. There are days that go by where I don’t remember what happened. A lot of the time I ignore people when they talk to me because I’m hurting so bad I can engage. I hate living like this. I don’t want to go to sleep and wake up feeling like this.

Depression medicines only help so much. Trying to stay positive only goes so far. Eventually you get tired of hearing the stay positive things will get better because THEY DON’T instead you’re stuck in this merry go round type of shit. 

No one around you really understands the turmoil you go through, and you can’t explain it. I don’t enjoy anything I use to. I can’t get into shows, or reading or anything that use to give me joy in life. 

I’m not helpful as a person or a wife. I’m just laying here or sitting here take up space being miserable. I really want to die just to go in my sleep peacefully so I won’t be a burden. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about shooting myself or cutting my wrists but I don’t I won’t I can’t do that to my family. I wonder if I had a past life and I was a major asshole that’s why my life is the way it is. 

Out of everyone I know I probably understand depression, suicide and anxiety better then any one. I have the worst anxiety attacks usually when my pain is really really bad. I always think what it it doesn’t let up what will I do. I hope things get better I guess we will see. 

If you suffer from chronic pain or a chronic illness, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts I get you I understand how you feel. Please seek help when you commit suicide it’s your family that’s left to deal with the aftermath. I’m sending everyone love, hope and positive thoughts for everyone whose suffering in any way πŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’ž

Chronic pain I’m your prisoner

We all have those aches and pains or pull a muscle from time to time. Almost all of us have been through the ice, heat, rest the area that’s hurting crap. It’s never fun but at least you know in all few days it will began to heal.

I dealt with random stuff like this until 2007 it was becoming clear my pain wasn’t going to go away. I slipped a disk when I was 19 and it took awhile but it healed. I was doing laundry one day and I felt a really bad pain in my back. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t stand up straight or bend over. My immediate thoughts were dammit you pulled a muscle, time for the ice, heat and rest routine again. This time it didn’t go away it eased up a little. For the most part I tried to ignore it. I didn’t pay attention to the ibuprofen I was taking and how long I had been taking them until the bottle was empty. They didn’t help anyway but I tried to fool myself into thinking they were giving me some relief. At this part of my life I cooked and cleaned and did laundry every day. I’d push through the pain and take a hot bath and tell myself it was a bad strain it needed more time to heal. Little did I know I was doing more damage.

I finally went to the er after I heard a pop and I couldn’t stand up again, I honestly thought I was being a wimp. I had xrays done and the Dr said oh it’s just a strain it will heal it may just take a little bit. So I figured he was right after all he went to school for this. I dealt with this pain some days were worse then others. The bad days they were pretty bad but nothing like it is today. The pain got worse eventually I noticed my feet were numb the first one was the left one and I dint notice but the right one eventually got that way and it goes all the way up to my knee. I never stopped to think what was causing the pain. I did go to doctor after doctor trying to find out what the problem was only to come up with no real answers but more like suggestions. Which just made me frustrated it was really like no one took me serious, and like a dumb ass I just ignored the pain and stayed busy all though by now I was taking prescription pain meds. They helped a lot and honestly made it worse because when they helped I did stuff I shouldn’t have I pushed myself even harder. I had no idea of knowing the damage I was doing.

I had a mri done of my lumbar in 2009 it showed a few problems but nothing really bad. I switched to the best doctor I could have asked for he did xrays and said I had 3 herniated disks in my lumbar. He could actually see it on an xray he did a CT scan as well. I was so mad all these other doctors I had seen either didn’t I’ve a shit or see what he saw. Which ever way it was I feel I got screwed. This was 2012 I went through physical therapy twice one in 2013 and once Inn 2016 both times were awful it hurt me worse there were days Inn couldn’t walk or get out of bed. I cride a lot but Inn had to finish the therapy to get my new mri. I was blunt with the therapist and explained I knew it wasn’t going to help me I was just there long enough to get my mri and then i was done. There were several nights I had to go to the emergency room for a shot after therapy, yes I was on pain meds but they weren’t near strong enough. I suffered a lot and I got major depressed. It didn’t help that my Dr told me I should be in a wheelchair, I didn’t want to give my freedom up. My old Dr had moved by this point and I liked the new Dr he was young and caring. He got my mri then I ended up at the er in really bad pain I was panicking because I didn’t know if it was gonna ease up or be like this from now on. I got really lucky I had the best er doctor I have ever had. She focused on getting my pain under control first off she checked on me every 30 minutes, she gave me a high mg shot. It worked I felt relief I was so happy I cried and hugged her. She had went to school with my dr so she wrote him a letter. I guess I should also mention that day I had seen a pain management Dr because my Dr said my back was beyond what he could treat. I was going to need round the clock pain meds. The pain management lady was cold and rude she was like I don’t usually give medicine my first time seeing someone. Like really wtf????? She gave me a dumb patch btw I am very sensitive to adhesive and it literally ate my skin off. This was the same night I ended up in the er. The er Dr was so upset, she didn’t understand why and how they could treat me the way they did. She gave me a prescription for different pain meds that helped me. She was an angel I was at Β my breaking point.

After that I went to see a neurosurgeon, she was really nice even though before she looked at my mri she questioned how bad I was hurting. Once we went over my mri she understood so much better. She then got a paperclip and made it straight and poked my legs up and down starting from my feet, I couldn’t feel it at all I thought maybe she was just barely poking me until I saw spots of blood. She was shocked I couldn’t feel it I wasn’t I knee I had like zero feeling until you get above my knee even then it’s still somewhat numb. She then ordered me a 4 hour full back and brain mri, I’m chlorostophobic so I freaked out about that. She explained I’d be knocked out for it due to the fact my pain was so bad she knew I couldn’t stay still that long without being in excruciating pain. She about lso ordered an eeg, which is where they check your nerves with electric stimulation and then with some small needles. I was nervous about it too let’s be honest no one likes getting poked on. The only thing I didn’t like about the Dr was the fact she was all fan girl about my neurofibrmotosis, she had never seen a patient with nf, so she was overly excited. I Hate that but it’s something I have dealt with my whole life.

I went and had the eeg done which wasn’t much fun but it was something I couldn’t avoid. They had the machine turned all the way up I couldn’t feel it, until above my knee then it felt like little shocks but it Wasn’t that bad. A dr came in to do the needle part again the machine was turned all the way up my muscles jumped a few times mainly above my knee. Then he had to do my arms to make sure which nerves were effected now that shit was awful I could feel it and it hurt. The Dr said he had never had the machine be turned up that high and not have some reaction he thought the machine wasn’t working right at first. When it was finished I was sore and had bloody spots on my legs and arms. I was just glad it was over. Later on I had huge bruises from the test on my legs and arms.

It took me a long time to get my mri done, I have asthma and kept getting pneumonia and bronchitis. I was basically sick from October until March off and on, they wouldn’t let me have it done within so many weeks of being sick because of my lungs and the anesthesia. Anyhow I finally got my mri on April 5th I was freaking out thank god for xanax or I’m not sure I could have went with it. I hate anesthesia so much I had my gallbladder out before and had a ad experience so I was super nervous. We had to get up at 4 am, not that I slept. We live about 2 hours away from the hospital. I was ok on the ride down there probably from the xanax, the Dr gave me so I wouldn’t panic really bad, I’m glad it worked. After we signed in and got to the waiting room it didn’t take long to be called in the back. The nurses were really nice she said i could keep my shirt on and my leggings since there was no metal that way I’d be more comfortable, it had a huge oversized tshirt on. I was really glad it didn’t have to wear a gown. They let my husband go in the room with me, that made me feel better. He stayed while they attempted to start an iv in each arm, both of them failed. So I got it in my hand then they put the mask on me and I was out.

I woke up to ice packs on my crotch behind my legs, on my chest and l around my head. I was pretty out of it the nurse explained I got to hot and threw up so I got a shot in my leg and that my body temp was to hugh that’s why I was covered in ice. She said they have fans and the ac turned really low but after being in the machine for four hours it caused me to get really hot. Then she went and got my husband and gave me a sprite. I had the worst taste in my mouth the rest of the day. I don’t remember the ride home, or even coming inside my house. I slept most of the day and night.

Then I figured it would be fairly easy to get my results, we’ll guess again. I went to a nurse practitioner that I see from time to time she basically told me she would get the results and call me but never did. I called to make an appointment to see my neurosurgeon only to find out her mailbox doesn’t exist so I thought I had the wrong number. I called the neurosurgery department only to find out she retired, I was like wait what????? Retired I never got a letter or a call I didn’t get shit!!!! WTF!!!!!! This really upset me I hate having to start this process over and explain all my shit to a new doctor. Even though they could read my chart that won’t do. I have to be seen for the new doctor to give me the results, my appointment is May 1st but I did get to look at my results online most of which I don’t understand.

Meanwhile I am hurting so bad I am depressed and had to start medicine for that. I also have major anxiety not knowing if the pain will ever ease up. I can’t sleep good, waking up being in horrible pain and going to sleep that way is no kind of life. I can’t hardly walk so now I’m relying on a wheelchair. I can’t do anything that I love to do, I love to cook but I’m hurting so bad by the time I’m done so I rarely do it. I feel like I’m a prisoner of my pain. I do have a good day here or there but not many. I hate the cold or any major weather change it makes the pain Β worse. Honestly I have thought about suicide more then once, I’d never do it because of my family but I’d give so much just to have my pain level at a 7 with 10 being the worst. Yes I am on strong pain medication it’s helps some, but because of the junkies and assholes selling medicine doctors are very cautious.

I know I have severe nerve damage that surgery can’t help, I also know I have several disks that are basically dissapearing which is causing a domino effect. What is there is pressing against my spinal sac. The nerve damage is what is making my feet and legs numb. I guess I’ll see if I have any tumors when I see the new doctor. Maybe she will have some new ideas of what may help me.

For now I’m a prisoner of my chronic pain. I’m thankful for the help I have from my husband. I know it’s not fair to him he didn’t sign up to be my caretaker. I hate that simple things like taking a bath is like a chore now, even grocery shopping riding on a scooter is a pain by the time I get home I’m hurting so bad I’m crying not because I want to just I can’t help it. Frustration doesn’t begin to describe how I feel.

If you suffer from chronic pain or an illness I’m sending you positive thoughts. I feel your pain! πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

Depression just go away already

I never really paid attention as to when my depression started. I’d have to say maybe around 16 or 17 was when it hit me really hard. Mental illness runs in my family, but I thought it would stick to other and not me. I didn’t understand what was going on at all, I woke up feeling helpless, worthless and had no hope of anything getting better. I didn’t much pay attention to the “highs” some people get, I honestly thought it was me being hyper from caffeine. At my worst I tried suicide, I’d like to say it was just once but it was probably more like 5 or 6 times.

I got use to the hospital stay for a few days. All though the first one was the worst. I had some dumb asses show up at my house with the cops and tell me if I didn’t go I’d be court ordered. The cops took me to the hospital it was an hour ride. I was devastated but the cop let me use my cell phone. I had to go thru a triage type thing in the emergency department and sit in a room with metal benches that reminded me of what jail was like. I was there for hours they take your urine and blood to make sure you’re not high or drunk. In the room you’re not alone there are some real crazy people there and some who are high or drunk and acting stupid. Then they take you to one of two giant rooms east which is for the ones who are really mentally unstable, the West is for people detoxing and people who tried suicide or who are just really depressed. It was really late when I finally got there and I wasn’t informed I’d have a strip search and the bend over and cough routine. Because it was so late and I hadn’t eaten they had bag lunches in the refrigerator so they offered me one. I didn’t want one I was polite then I was shown my room. It had two beds but thankfully the other bed was empty so I was all alone. I don’t know if I have ever been as lonely as that night. I was also forced to give up my clothes they said it was so they could wash them but I’m sure it was to check for drugs. I hadn’t brought any clothes with me my sister brought me some the next day. She also brought me some soda and a few snacks. Those are only allowed allowed certain times and the soda can’t have caffeine. I was pretty nervous about the next day and how bad things would be. I did sleep but it Wasn’t much.

They also do room checks every so often, the next morning I didn’t want to come out of my room. I wanted to hybernate but there was zero chance I could do that. You can use the phone during certain hours only for short calls. They served breakfast again I didn’t eat, I couldn’t. I went in on a Friday and you have to stay a mandatory 72 hours which the weekend doesn’t count. I met a few people who were ok, one had an eating disorder and they othere 2 were more like me. The one with an eating disorder was really cool we bonded pretty quick, she was a lot older then me so she helped me out a lot. She told me I have to act like I’m eating even if if give my food away because that’s something they pay attention to, and not to stay in my room all day. She also told me once Monday came around or we saw a Dr to request to be transferred upstairs. It was much better we would have a private room and there was only like 8 to 10 people. It was a much calmer environment we played games and had arts and crafts. I could have visitors everyday for like an hour. Downstairs it was like only on the weekends for 2 hours a day. The only crappy thing was you couldn’t go outside, but I was willing to give that up. Going from a room of some stinky, people who flipped out and liked to fight to a quiet relaxing area was so much better.

I got comfortable upstairs so when Monday rolled around I had my story rehearsed. You had to meet with three doctors separately, then they all got together and decided what the next step was. I was put on a mild low milligram antidepressant. I was OK with this I knew it was going to happen so why not accept it. The doctors all agreed I could go home later in the week. I couldn’t wait, I wanted my freedom and my family. I even began to eat a little we also had snacks twice a day sometimes peanut butter and crackers sometimes ice cream. The woman with an eating disorder was upstairs with me she was staying longer then I was but we exchanged numbers. I met a really nice guy one of the girls upstairs and him had a thing going on. They were cute together he was suicidal or had been. The doctors let him go home a few days before me but the girl had to stay. She tried calling him later that day only to find out he shot himself. She was really upset she was still there when I left. His suicide left her so tore up emotionally I felt bad for her.

The day came when I was going to get discharged, my sis had came and dropped off my cell phone and a few other things I’d need. Riding down the elevator I was a little nervous, it seemed like I had been locked inside for a long time. I took a few steps outside and had an immediate panic attack. I felt like I couldn’t breathe all of the outside noise freaked me out. I never thought having a short stay would effect me so much. I sat down took a few deep breaths and tried to regain my composure. It took me at least 10 minutes before I could calm down. When I got home everyone walked on egg shells they didn’t understand why I was so troubled and how they could have missed it. I had a long talk with my grandma she had always been more like a mom to me. I love our bond I will treasure it forever. I explained that it wasn’t her fault and that she didn’t miss anything I hid it well, I pretended I was fine. Things went ok at home for awhile, I wasn’t left alone for a bit I felt like I was being babysat. It was my own doing but part of me felt like I was being punished. I was taking my medicine and doing what I was supposed to but I still couldn’t shake my depression I tried and I tried really hard.

Things in my brain kept screwing me up my emotions sucked. I had been pretty depressed for a few days and all I kept thinking was how much better off the world and my family would be without me. I had begun cutting nothing major and when I cut it was like instant relief, I got almost like a high from it. One night I told my family I was tired and going to bed by now they had chilled out on my round the clock babysitting. When asked I told the old hem I was fine I put on a good act. Later I was laying in my bed I had a plan and I wasn’t going to let anyone stop me I cried when I got the knife out not because I thought it would hurt it was more about stuff I was going to miss. I couldn’t take the pain anymore, I wanted out of life and this was the only way I kept thinking. So I slit both my wrists it hurt a little. There was so much blood. It was weird because my phone rang and it was my friend matt I was crying and told him what I did. He cried for a second and said I got to go and hung up. I knew he was upset and angry but he didn’t understand no one did as far as I was concerned. He called my family this was the other weird thing most nights my mom went home but she stopped by this night to see my grandma. I don’t really remember what her and my grandma first said but I saw the hurt and pain in their eyes. It made me regret my selfish decision. They wrapped up my wrists with towels and drove me to the er, my grandma didn’t usually go places with us but she went. They both kept telling me how much they loved me how things wouldn’t be the same without me. I knew then this would be my last time this depression wasn’t going to win. I don’t know why it took me so long to get to this point. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks they changed my medicine. This time I didn’t fake being ok. I was more in touch with reality then ever before I knew I’d have bad days but I also knew I could make it through those days without taking things in this direction.

I still have my bad days sometimes it takes me a few to snap out of. When it gets really bad it look down at my scars I remember how broken my family looked and how I was the one that broke them. I never forget how bad it was but I am so thankful I didn’t succeed, thag I have been here to see so many things I wouldn’t have. Life sucks sometimes but you will never know how great tomorrow may be if you’re not here.