Childhood scar’s

So I haven’t really talked to my mom much recently. I called her last night to wish her an early mother’s day, I wasn’t sure if she had plans or whatever so I wanted to make sure I talked to her. This is how the phone call when my sis picks up and says hold on here take it my mom says no I don’t want it. I honestly thought this was maybe about food or something, since I can’t see what’s going on I was just assuming. This back and forth between my sis and my mom went on for several minutes until my mom said yeah….. I’m like hey Mom I wanted to call and wish you a happy mother’s day. What are you doing? She said nothing then I said how are you? She said okay…..it was at this point I got a major feeling like she didn’t want to talk. So I asked are you busy? She’s like no I just don’t feel good right now. I said okay well I’ll talk to you tomorrow I love you, she said I love you too then I hung up. My feelings were hurt, it really felt like she didn’t want to to to me. At this point I was still clueless as what was actually going on and I was going to just leave it at that.

Then my sister calls me and said did you see how mom was being a jerk? I said yeah she really hurt my feelings. She then informs me the going back and forth between them was because my mom didn’t want to talk to me. This upset me a little more and I told my sister no biggie I won’t be calling her back tomorrow anyway I get it she doesn’t want to talk and I won’t allow myself to get upset by her anymore….at least not right now I won’t. My sis then tells me how my mom has been lately, I really don’t want to get involved because more then likely they are both at fault. I do agree my mom can be a major jerk but so can my sis hell we all can be that way from time to time.

This brought up so major bad memories about my relationship with my mom. Last night I realized how screwed up things were. I know that no parent is perfect. So I don’t expect mine to be, I am thankful for what she’s done for me.

When I was really young not even 10 I can remember my mom threatening to go lay on the railroad tracks and kill herself. At that age I begged her not to, I really thought she was going to do it. I remember her taking us to this little town in southern Arizona where we would camp and leaving us outside next door to bar with friends or maybe they were people she didn’t know to well. I remember her drinking and driving and us begging her not to. I remember her leaving us at her friends house with these awful lesbian babysitters so she could go partying. We ended up running away to the park that night and hiding under a concrete table at like midnight. I remember my sister and I were late walking home one night and she said she went looking for us and claimed she got raped and best up. It never happened later years later she admitted it was a lie. I also remember when I was an adult it was actually Thanksgiving 2006 where we invited her over, my sis and I did we cooked the whole meal. She lived in an apartment me and my sis had a house we rented. She came over and we were sitting outside she was pretty shit faced and her telling me she had a cocaine problem and then after I kind of freaked out she’s like I was just kidding I then asked her to leave. I couldn’t believe she would lie and play games like that, especially when it’s not something to laugh about. I also remember her being on coke when I was a kid, she smoked a lot of weed too. There are many more memories but you get the point.

All these memories flooded back like it was yesterday. Being an adult and older now I see how screwed up everything was. I know now why I have trust issues. I don’t remember my mom acting loving to me very much. I’m sure she said I love you but I can’t remember it.

I love my mom I do, but for me as a person to heal and move on I can’t allow the toxicity of her being this negative manipulative person in my life. I can love her from a distance where I feel safe.

I know today is mother’s day, Maybe a shitty time to share my story but I felt like I needed to get it out. Tell your mom you love her today. God only knows I wish my mother in law was here so I could tell her. She was a good mom a loving mom. The kind

you don’t have to question their love for you. I guess my mom being the way she was made me latch on to my grandma so much.

Why alcoholics annoy me

We all have annoying neighbors from time to time. Some are worse then others. I have had a lot and maybe sometimes I am that annoying neighbor. I try to be patient with people as much as I can, I blow off a lot of stuff. I really am way to nice and help people quite a bit. I do stuff when I don’t feel like it and Mr G does way more then I do.

I have two bad alcoholics for neighbors both in their late 50s maybe early 60s neither drive thank God. One has had 2 DUIs which I think is ridiculous. There should be a zero tolerance on drinking and driving no matter what state you live in. I once overhead a conversation with an older black guy and a judge which went like this hey man I need some help and the judge says oh yeah? With what? The older guy says well I got another DUI, you know it’s my 3rd one….. The judge and him laugh and the judge says well let’s go smoke you can come work at my chicken houses and we will work something out. This was said as they were leaving the judges office and going out the side door of the courthouse. I was for one appalled and shocked really left speechless. Seriously this mfer has more then one DUI? More then two DUIs and you’re laughing like it’s a joke! What if he had killed someone!! Then you’re going to help him out by him working on your chicken houses (chicken farm) basically like Tyson type shit where they house lots of Chickens like thousands until they meet their maker. Anyway this SOB is going to get another slap on the risk while putting everyone on the road with him lives at stake. Now I know this sounds unreal but I live in a small town in the southern US which by no means am I making an excuse for what happened I’m just pointing out how shit works around small towns sometimes. Plus you hear things from time to time about people getting out of trouble because of their family connection’s or money. Stuff like that, we had a sheriff a few years back he was a real piece of work he let a lot of shit slide by if he knew you or your family good. His brother was one of the biggest pill heads around but never got busted. Some of these cops or deputies call and tell their friends when and where road blocks will be…..Total bullshit!!! I know but it’s a whose going to police the police type of situation.

Then there is this guy who use to be a deputy, use to be a police officer for a few different counties. Real shady guy……he’d go drink a beer with you then park down the road after he left knowing you were going to buy more beer or go get a pack of smokes and pull you over. Or go smoke a joint with you then pull you over knowing you had weed. It was a his word against yours type of thing. Naturally the judge will believe a law enforcement officer over a regular civilian almost any day. Some departments caught on to him this is why he worked so many different departments, counties. I once commented on a Facebook post about him from a state trooper I said the said individual was very shady and a piece of shit. Mind you I’m a nobody out here, I didn’t grow up out here, I don’t know a lot of people out here…..you get the picture. The post was a not a public post, I was not friends with this guy and the trooper making the post was a former friend. He too had noticed the way this guy was as many other have. He once got beat up and had his leg broke after he pulled some of his crap and someone got fed up with it. I didn’t laugh even though part of me found it funny. I respect law enforcement officers. I just called this like I saw it karma. Anyway the day after the Facebook post I got a call from a number I didn’t know so I sent it to voicemail to my surprise in was our new sheriff asking for me to call him back as soon as possible. I kinda freaked out for a few wondering what he could possibly want. So I called him back and he asked about the Facebook post I told him exactly what I said. I was in shock, they both acted like this was no biggie. I take drunk driving very seriously. I lost a close friend to a drunk driver who was a repeat offender. I also have had several family members get hit by a drunk driver, my aunt had her neck and back broken from a head on collision with a drunk underage driver. She survived but had a very long recovery. Just over a year ago myself and Mr G were coming back from a doctor’s appointment when this older guy slammed on his brakes in the middle of the highway causing him to hit the car in front of him and us to hit him going 70 mph. He had a little white car we we’re in a full size older Chevy truck. Everyone was okay I got pretty beat up from the seat belt and the jolt. I was very sore and bruised for a week or so. It was summer time and the guy was drinking, I was the first transported to the ER by ambulance he was the last, by the time he had his blood alcohol tested at the ER about an hour and a half later he was just barely above legal limit. I’m sure had he been tested at the accident site he would have failed.

Mr G has told me story’s of his uncle who was a deputy in the really really small town just south of us having got pulled over and the guy take their beer and tell them to follow him to the county line and he then gave them back their beer. Yes Mr G use to drink and drive that was way before there was an us. He no longer drinks at all and I have helped him to understand how bad it is. He was young and dumb and made mistakes that I thank God that he never hurt anyone he also feel the same way. He also was riding in a car right behind a young girl he grew up with actually his (aunt’s best friends daughter) was riding in a van out here they call the church buses and a drunk driver hit them. Mr G was two cars behind he was a few years older then the girl. Naturally they all jumped out of their cars and went running to help, but sadly there was nothing they could do. This is a pain still for her mom she has a very hard time especially around the girls birthday and day she passed. I truly hope I never feel pain like that.

I also had a cousin about 5 year’s older then me, he was a trouble maker and in and out of juvenile jail and then prison. He was what you would call a slow learner. He had 2 kids a boy and then a younger daughter. He finally straightened out and had a great job, was finally being a good dad, his life seemed like it was on the right track. He had a motorcycle he had been working on and decided to take it for a test run by the airport, and a guy driving a transport van leaving the airport taking guests to their hotel rooms hit him head on. My cousin died at the scene, turns out the guy was driving drunk. It left my cousins kids without their dad permanently. It was very sad, especially since he had just got his shit together and had been a constant dad for just over two years. Before that the kids knew he was their dad but we was gone and locked up more then he was in their lives. The kids and their mom along with my aunt and uncle got a lot and I mean a lot of money from the accident but they would have gave it all back just to spend one more day/night/ or even an hour with my cousin.

I grew up with my grandma and my mom being raging drunks. At the time when you’re young you don’t understand it. You think it’s normal, or at least I did. You then see the different stages that most drunks go through. There is the first stage the happy on top of the world nothing can bring me down stage. Then there is the poor me the world has wronged me feel sorry for myself stage. Followed by the worst one the I am ten foot tall and bullet proof stage. This is the one where a drunk person will talk shit to and do there best to try and fight anyone for any reason. I can recall being young like before teenage years and my mom trying to start fights with me. Saying horrible things to me and even sometimes pushing me or getting in my face. I cried sometimes other times I wished I could hit her. Thankfully my grandma never did this to me. This wasn’t fair for any kid to go through. This caused my relationship with my mom to be fractured probably forever. I have forgave her but I’ll never forget. I’ll never trust her one hundred percent. My grandma quit drinking when I was in sixth grade. I don’t know exactly what happened to make her quit but something scared her. She was sick for a little bit and went to aa meetings for about a year. I remember being really proud of her. She used to wake up and drink a fee cups of coffee then it was come and Jack the rest of the day. She would go thru like a half gallon in 2 days. My mom on the other hand didn’t really stop drinking until she got sick in 2006. She was more of a beer drinker, she would buy those 40 ounce bottles and drink like 4 or 5 on her days off which left her shit faced. On the days she worked she would drink one or two usually, some days she didn’t drink at all. I never realized she was an alcoholic at the time. It just all seemed like normal life to me. After she got somewhat better she had a little party in 2007 this was when she could still live alone. Myself, Mr G and my sister stopped by I had a shot or 2 with my mom and then she got sick again shortly after. This is when she had to quit drinking regularly because she was in and out of the hospital and having multiple surgeries.

I never understood the attraction to alcohol. My sister was drunk a lot from the time we turned 21 until we we’re 25 or so. We weren’t very close but I’d see her and she would have all kinds of empty bottles of alcohol or we would go to a family get together and she would bring her own beer. One of my uncle’s would drink a few cans of beer with her. She was also drunk for a whole year before she got pregnant with Lady A which explains how she didn’t know who was Lady A’s dad is. I use to have a shot of Jack Daniels here and there but not constant. Then when my grandma passed away I stayed drunk probably for the first month after she died. I was lost, upset and had no idea what to do with myself. I guess I thought drinking would help but I knew deep down it didn’t. After a month I realized what I was doing and quit drinking. I might have a beer which I hate beer if I had bad cramp’s because it seemed to ease them a little. Since then u haven’t really drank often, I may have a few shots or something for new years or another occasion but they are few and far in between occasion that these happen. Mr G use to drink a lot which is basically what all the young country boys around here do. There really isn’t much to do around here for young people. He quit drinking so much before we started dating, he’s like me he may have a few shots of some kinda alcohol once or twice a year, or maybe a beer if he’s grilling burgers.

Then there are our neighbors the really bad can’t go without alcohol or get the shakes kinda drunks. The one is bossy as hell to the other and this causes them to argue a few times a month. They fall down and call Mr G to help a few times a week. I don’t know how he has the patience to deal with them. A few nights ago they had been bickering all day then I guess the one choked the other from behind and the one being choked hit the other with a stick in the head then the choker punched the other. It’s kinda funny but not really it’s more along the lines of ridiculousness. Then last night the one that is not bossy he is the type the loves drama anyway yes been feuding with another neighbor for a free years now over some stupid shit that may or may not have happened. Anyway our drama loving drunk starts yelling f… You to the other neighbor and other stuff along the same lines he also involved another newer neighbor whose in his 50s and also an alcoholic. All this is over the top bullshit. Another neighbor called him on his bullshit starting and he told that neighbor off now he is insisting that he get apologies from all involved parties. I don’t think anyone owes him an apology he was clearly in the wrong. It’s pointless trying to reason with an alcoholic. It’s also overwhelming I Have since blocked the drama loving alcoholics phone number because I’m just fed up.

The way alcohol changes people is disgusting. I have no problem if you want to have a few drinks from time to time, it’s just when it’s a daily thing that it becomes a huge deal. When you can’t handle putting down the beer or the bottle and it causes you to become irrational, this is when you do and say stupid things. The big problem is when you have a kinda intervention and they agree to cut back but it never happens this goes on a few times until you give up. You can’t change people or make them see what you see. I still have hope that laws can be changed to tighten penalties on drunk driving. I hope that alcoholics see the light and at least cut back some. Life can’t be enjoyable when you’re always wondering what happened the previous day or night. There is absolutely no excuse to drive and drink!!!!