Childhood scar’s

So I haven’t really talked to my mom much recently. I called her last night to wish her an early mother’s day, I wasn’t sure if she had plans or whatever so I wanted to make sure I talked to her. This is how the phone call when my sis picks up and says hold on here take it my mom says no I don’t want it. I honestly thought this was maybe about food or something, since I can’t see what’s going on I was just assuming. This back and forth between my sis and my mom went on for several minutes until my mom said yeah….. I’m like hey Mom I wanted to call and wish you a happy mother’s day. What are you doing? She said nothing then I said how are you? She said okay…..it was at this point I got a major feeling like she didn’t want to talk. So I asked are you busy? She’s like no I just don’t feel good right now. I said okay well I’ll talk to you tomorrow I love you, she said I love you too then I hung up. My feelings were hurt, it really felt like she didn’t want to to to me. At this point I was still clueless as what was actually going on and I was going to just leave it at that.

Then my sister calls me and said did you see how mom was being a jerk? I said yeah she really hurt my feelings. She then informs me the going back and forth between them was because my mom didn’t want to talk to me. This upset me a little more and I told my sister no biggie I won’t be calling her back tomorrow anyway I get it she doesn’t want to talk and I won’t allow myself to get upset by her anymore….at least not right now I won’t. My sis then tells me how my mom has been lately, I really don’t want to get involved because more then likely they are both at fault. I do agree my mom can be a major jerk but so can my sis hell we all can be that way from time to time.

This brought up so major bad memories about my relationship with my mom. Last night I realized how screwed up things were. I know that no parent is perfect. So I don’t expect mine to be, I am thankful for what she’s done for me.

When I was really young not even 10 I can remember my mom threatening to go lay on the railroad tracks and kill herself. At that age I begged her not to, I really thought she was going to do it. I remember her taking us to this little town in southern Arizona where we would camp and leaving us outside next door to bar with friends or maybe they were people she didn’t know to well. I remember her drinking and driving and us begging her not to. I remember her leaving us at her friends house with these awful lesbian babysitters so she could go partying. We ended up running away to the park that night and hiding under a concrete table at like midnight. I remember my sister and I were late walking home one night and she said she went looking for us and claimed she got raped and best up. It never happened later years later she admitted it was a lie. I also remember when I was an adult it was actually Thanksgiving 2006 where we invited her over, my sis and I did we cooked the whole meal. She lived in an apartment me and my sis had a house we rented. She came over and we were sitting outside she was pretty shit faced and her telling me she had a cocaine problem and then after I kind of freaked out she’s like I was just kidding I then asked her to leave. I couldn’t believe she would lie and play games like that, especially when it’s not something to laugh about. I also remember her being on coke when I was a kid, she smoked a lot of weed too. There are many more memories but you get the point.

All these memories flooded back like it was yesterday. Being an adult and older now I see how screwed up everything was. I know now why I have trust issues. I don’t remember my mom acting loving to me very much. I’m sure she said I love you but I can’t remember it.

I love my mom I do, but for me as a person to heal and move on I can’t allow the toxicity of her being this negative manipulative person in my life. I can love her from a distance where I feel safe.

I know today is mother’s day, Maybe a shitty time to share my story but I felt like I needed to get it out. Tell your mom you love her today. God only knows I wish my mother in law was here so I could tell her. She was a good mom a loving mom. The kind

you don’t have to question their love for you. I guess my mom being the way she was made me latch on to my grandma so much.

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Cancer stole you

When I first moved to the southern U.S I was amazed at how much it rained my husband made fun of me because all I talked about was rain. It was a fairly dry spring/summer that year compared to most. I loved it out here it’s quiet ,there is so much grass and beautiful flowers and trees. It’s really like a post card, growing up in the desert you don’t see much green or rain. My mother in law and my husband’s grandma they called her mawmaw would come pick me up and we would go shopping. I loved it we always laughed always had fun. It was really nice to be a welcomed into his family. My mother in law was funny, on always trip back out here we got a few things out of the car and one was a jump box (those emergency type road things for a quick jump) and she said what it’s that your vibrator mind you this thing was huge not like the onest you can buy now. It was atleast 2 feet long and probably a foot or so wide. I started laughing and I’m like God I hope not she turned red she meant to say something else. Then there was that time she was sweeping out my husband’s truck and fell into the wheel barrel perfectly I ran over to her freaking out. All she did was laugh really hard she was fine I have no idea how she wasn’t hurt.

She would also burn anything and I mean anything. My husband bought some tennis shoes he wore maybe 5 times the next time he looked for them she had burned them. I spent the weekend at my in laws and my husband brought me some of his mom’s famous spinach dip, which I had never had any before but I tried it and it was really good. I asked her for the recipe and she laughed and said it was from a jar she always put it in a container because it tasted better. She had this fat little dark brown chihuahua named Butch, he was her best friend. He slept with her had to be in the bathroom when she took a bath he even ate popcorn with her. He was a dick if you went into her room he would act like he was gonna get you. If you told him you were gonna give him a bath he would try and bite you but not her, he even got angry with my father in law when he went into their bedroom. She would always walk next door to mawmaws and he would sit there like a good boy and not leave the porch he did this for years. Then one day she called while we were living in the desert and he had got off the porch and ran off. She was so sad and broken hearted. I felt so bad for her but I thought he will come back, he probably just went to pee on some stuff. That whole day and night they looked for him but couldn’t find him. The next morning they found him he was hurt pretty bad probably from another dog. They took him to this asshole vet we have here in town he said he thought he would be okay but he didn’t make it. We felt so bad my father in law made him a special tombstone and they buried him under the Muscadine bush.

She got another dog this one was a dark brown and white chihuahua and named him Jo-Jo he was a baby when we moved back out here. He wasn’t Butch and my mother in law didn’t have that bond with him I knew in time she would have or I thought but she didn’t unfortunately she passed away about a month later. To this day Jo-Jo will cry if you say mama or mawmaw he misses them. She would put the little guy in his big crate and cover it with a blanket when it was bedtime. I’d laugh and joke with her about her putting the little guy in time out. She did love him though but he was new and she was sick we didn’t know at the time how sick she was she had cancer. Jo-jo is now my father in laws chubby little side kick he gives hugs and he’s spoiled rotten.

My first summer out here we all went fishing it was my mother in law my father in law my brother in law and my husband I never really been the outdoor type. I had never done much fishing but I was excited. I made my first mistake since I had no idea how the woods were I wore flip flops and every thorn in my path found my poor feet. Luckily I wore pants we saw a snake almost right away which freaked me out I kept thinking one was going to sneak up on me. There was no way I was baiting my own hook with a cricket or worm ewww I don’t like bugs or dirty things. I probably annoyed my husband but I didn’t fish that much I don’t have the patience for it. However I like to go now when I can. Then was my next big traumatic event a tick was on me so I threw it it landed on my mother in law then she threw it and it landed on Mt father in law hahahaha it’s still funny to this day. I never told his mom it was on me first I was embarrassed. Later after we were all home she called me to tell me that me and my husband needed to strip down all check each other for ticks.

I’ll always miss the funny things she would do like call me all did talk for a few then hang up really fast because her show was coming on she loved south park, She loved the girls next door and Anna nicole we would always gossip about all of the latest celebrity news. She loved to keep her yard looking tidy she would rake all the stuff up then burn it. She decorated her house and mawmaws for Christmas so much you could probably see it from space. She had never had any alcohol we were gonna drink a few wine coolers but never got the chance. My husband made us some meat on the grill he used beer haha she said”this isn’t going to get me drunk will it”. Haha I remember she stopped by our place once and told me she was taking these new diet pills and had an accident in her pants so she bought a new shirt I was like um what about your pants. She also called me one day to tell me she had bought and wore her first bra with wore she didn’t know they made them that way and she didn’t like it. My father in law stopped by to fix something when we weren’t home she had never been around cats and my cats were rubbing on her and wanted to lay on her she thought they were gonna attack her. Sometimes when we would go spend the night with her because she was lonely and do my father in law was working nights she would say come over I got some of my spinach dip we always laughed about it and she would throw a pizza in the over. She was like most southern women and had to have a million purses,bags,and shoes. Sometimes she would get way to personal but I never had the heart to object that’s just how she was.

She would sleep all day with my father in law when he worked night. He would always bring us a sausage biscuit when he was on his way home. On our way to move back out here I talked to her for hours it was storming really bad and my father in law was driving she was scared. I loved our bond I’ll always miss her. I’ll always be broken hearted that we need had a Thanksgiving, Christmas or new years where we would have had a few drinks, she was looking forward to trying wine. She was so proud to have me as a daughter in law it made me feel so loved. I was family right away she told me she had never liked any of the women my husband had been with before. She loved listening to my stories about the desert. She had never tried French toast or a lot of other things we were going to try together. We had planned on so many things we thought we would have time for vacations and girls time.

 

I hate you cancer you robbed me, you have caused so many people heartache and pain. I hope one day they find a cure. You took a great woman from me and my family.

To my mother in law in heaven I love you and I miss you so much you were one of the greatest women I have ever known. I wish I had that chance to tell you how much you met to me and ow thankful I was for you. Your love for me was so appreciated. Have fun up there with mawmaw laughing at the goofy stuff I do until we meet again xoxo xoxo