The good old days

So growing up it was just me and my sis ( my twin) which can be good and bad. We we’re often close and often bitter enemies. We always made up quickly because it was us against the world. We were in preschool in North Carolina when on of us would be sent to the corner and they other would quickly go retrieve the other out of the corner. Most of our friends were the same, we did have a few that were our friends only. We would go explore the desert in southern Arizona like we were on some kind of artifact finding mission. We rode horses and acted like we were part of a rodeo. We had sleepovers and often slept on our front porch growing up. We had a lot of fun and some major fights.

We had one of those big green garbage cans you put by the road. It was clean and never used, there was no road side pick up where we grew up. You burned your trash or saved it in a pile and went to the dump. So we had this bright idea of my sister getting in the can and me wheeling her around in it. This worked for a bit she was having fun. Then I dropped the lid on the can and it had two pretty big screws that cut her head. Not really bad but I’m sure it hurt. We also used to go feed my neighbors horses, he was an old man who was friends with my grandpa before he died. We would cut through a yard and I’d step on the barbe wire while she went through or she would while I went through. One day on our way back home somehow the fence caught her leg and cut her pretty bad. I said sit down and wait here let me get mom. She was having none of it she bit me yes bit me and took off running to our house. It wasn’t really far but maybe like 6 good city blocks. I was like WTF she just bit me so I walked home slowly really mad. She had to go to the hospital and get like 20 stitches maybe more I can’t remember.

My sister is not a sensitive type person, she’s always been like this. Stuff that I’d cry over she wouldn’t and it didn’t seem to bother her. We’d play farm in our front yard and she would always act like a horse. We’d play video games with the neighbors, or I’d play football with them.

We had an outdoor playhouse, I once found a scorpion in so we didn’t go in there much. We enjoyed throwing up a tent and camping out roasting marshmallows. We also went real camping a lot. I once swam her across a man made lake in southern Arizona we would camp at. Because we didn’t have oars, I was exhausted after that. We had so much fun though. One time we went up camping where the Colorado River was. This was a little different because we usually camped near still water. There was a roped off part so we couldn’t get in to fast moving water. My mom had been tubing a few times and went tubing right where we were a few times. Then she and another group decided to go for a extended trip down the river. It began to get dark and she still wasn’t back, I remember we were really worried but my mom’s friend and her husband didn’t seem to care instead he was rummaging through all the food my mom brought. I don’t even remember how long or what time my mom left. We passed out from being exhausted and playing all day and woke up in the middle of the night and my mom still wasn’t back. The next morning me and my sister through a fit and her friend said they would give her a little more time and then notify someone. A few hours later my mom came walking back in camp all tore up she had cuts l over bad sunburn and was just generally all scraped and blooded up. She said her tube had drug her through some underbrush and got caught, got a hole in it and ended up turning over. She had to walk over this really high mountain or hill it’s hard to remember. She had lost her flip flops and her feet were cut up from the rocks. We we’re glad to have her back.

There was nothing better then Bacon and eggs cooked while camping. Laying there in the quiet under the stars. Cooking weenies and roasting marshmallows. Eating bologna sandwiches with some potato chips.

I’m glad I have memories like this because kids nowadays have no idea how to unplug and enjoy life. It’s not all their fault their parents are to busy with day to day activities to unplug as well. I wish I could go back and have one more camping trip like this, it’s not the same when you’re an adult. You have so much stuff to do before you can relax.

Advertisements

Forgiveness is hard hateful people sucks

I hate how no matter what you do or say some people are never happy. They bitch and complain all the time. I wonder if sometimes if they stopped for just a minute and replayed what they say in their own head if they would do and say things differently. I doubt it but boy would that change things. I truly don’t think miserable people like this know how they make others feel. It’s not fair but life isn’t fair, it’s just another shitty thing we have to deal with. 

I try really hard to be an honest good person or what I think a good person would be. I honestly get walked on and hurt a lot because I am to good to people even when they shit on me or do me wrong. I have been down this road with my sister and mom so many times. My husband asks me how I can forgive them in my head I think the same reason I forgive you when you’re an asshole because I love you and no one is perfect. I will not treat people the way they treat me or let how they treat me define me as a person. We all make mistakes and so e mistakes over and over. We all have a little bit of asshole or a lot a bit of asshole in us. When someone hurts me it’s very hard for me to get over it on the inside. It bothers me for a very long time, I cry about it probably for longer than I should. I’m also not ashamed of that or of who I am. 

I used to be a major asshole on the outside even though I’d feel bad on the inside. Part of that was I didn’t want anyone to be really close to me. Also part of it and I’m not making an excuse was the way my mom treated me growing up. If stay with my grandma a lot and her and my sister had to walk by my grandma’s house to go to the store and she would tell my sister to ignore and they would. It would hurt and I didn’t know why she hated me that much. I knew my sister was only following instructions. She was a kid it wasn’t her fault my mom knew better especially since she said she was treated badly growing up. Then there was her threats of suicide, she would say she was going to walk out in traffic or go lay on the train track’s. As kids we didn’t know she wasn’t going to actually do this. Everytime she said it we would be devastated and beg her not to and tell her we would do anything if she wouldn’t. Then there was the awful shit she would say, she once accused me of sleeping with my uncle I was like 12 and it never happened. I didn’t understand why she would say stuff like this again I wondered why she hated me. I was also overweight and she would say your thighs are to fat so no guy could ever have sex with you. I didn’t care about sex I was a virgin until I was almost eighteen. Her friends would talk shit to me and my sister too. I was the one my mom took out all her shit on for some reason. Maybe it was because I reminded her of my dad I looked a lot like them. Maybe it was because I was so close to my grandma. I will never really know and there is no point in bringing it up now she would either deny it or downplay it. 

When me and my sister had a house we shared we rented it together. It was a nice house 2 bedroom’s 2 bath and a guest house that was a studio. It was in a nice neighborhood with a community pool. My mom lived in our guest house, Lady A shared the master bedroom with me and my sis and little D had the other room. We were very comfortable at that time I wasn’t dating anyone my husband and I were friends online but I wasn’t really interested in having a relationship. My sister wasn’t dating anyone in the beginning. Then my mom moved out and my sis met her future ex husband. I’ll never forget our first Thanksgiving we were so excited to cook. Since this was the first year we were making everything and having our own family holiday. My sis invited her ex in-laws his mom made a blueberry pie which are my favorite. We made 3 Turkeys, 20 pounds of mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, like 10 pounds of stuffing we made so much food. My sister’s ex in-laws brought their daughter and her son. We were so proud of all our food I burned the shit out of my hand on a Cherry pie, the oven mitt had a rip in it when I took the pie out some got cherry leaked on me. Anyway then there was my sis, Lady A, little D, me, my sister’s ex, his dad, his mom, his sis, his nephew and we invited my devil of a mom. Since she had her own apartment now she was being a royal asshole. 

She showed up drunk as shit and embarrassed us. Then the in-laws were right being me when she called them go ginger retards. I was mortified I was trying to get her to leave her friend had dropped her off and I called her friend who was a major bitch and asked her to come get my mom. I then took my mom outside to sit on our cement porch I figured if she was outside she wouldn’t be able to do anymore damage. I was wrong she then told me she was addicted to cocaine and asked if I wanted some. She said she didn’t care if it bothered anyone she was an adult and could do what she wanted. I was pissed and hurt why she would choose this night to confess this. As if she hadn’t already made a huge scene and disrupted what we thought was going to be a perfect night. I was so pissed I told her she needed to leave and I didn’t want to talk to her until she got her shit together. She then began to laugh and said she was joking this made me even more upset I wanted to shake, or punch her. I didn’t I told her she needed to grow up and then her friend Linda the bitch showed up. I walked inside and now my sis was packing up stuff for her in-laws to take home. To my amazement they are a shit ton of food. I hate turkey but we didn’t even have a whole turkey left we also had ham there was a little of that and maybe a pound of mashed potatoes left. I have no idea how people could eat that much but they were literally hogs. We barely had any left over’s we sent most of what we had left with them. I didn’t tell my sis about what my Mom had said until after the in-laws Left. I was talking to my husband then and I called him right away to vent even before I told my sis. When I told her and her now ex husband she wasn’t sure if my mom was lying or if she really was on cocaine I wasn’t sure either. I didn’t know if she said it looking for attention or if she was just being honest. My mom has always been one to play head games to this day I have no idea if she was telling the truth or playing games. 

Not to long after that we took a trip so I could meet my husband. It was just my sis, me, Little D, Lady A on our road trip. We had a lot of fun even got a speeding ticket in Texas the cop was pretty pissed because it took him a bit to catch up to us. He had way to much Cologne on that stunk and rings on every finger he was an older Mexican man. He wasn’t very nice but he let us go with an expensive ticket. We laughed about it. It didn’t ruin our trip, instead it was just one of our little misadventures of our first adult long road trip. We then ended up at a hotel to sleep with a  Texas shaped bathroom sink. We saw fog do the first time which freaked me out. We made it to our destination and checked in to our hotel rooms and it started to snow a little the small town was dead and it was only 7 pm but it was nice quiet and very country. We were all exhausted Mr G came over and met my sis then we hung out and passed out after we had a few shots of Jim Beam. We stayed a few days and left after we got back home I was so glad to be back but the weather had changed it was cold and snowing. That doesn’t happen often where I am from but it was kinda nice we got all our stuff in the house. Little D had climbed up on the counter and cut her tongue pretty bad with a cheese knife we had got one of those cheese, and crackers with summer sausage things in the mail for Christmas, she had opened it while we were bringing our suitcases in. So we took her to the er and they couldn’t put stitches so back to home we went to try to relax. The next day my mom Wanted Lady A to spend the night we finally agreed after she said the cocaine thing was met to be a joke. 

The next day it was early and the day after Christmas and I got a call from my Aunt my sis always turned her ringer off I never did. She said she was at my moms and had called an ambulance my mom was sick. She told us they were taking my mom to the hospital that was literally like 5 minutes away from us so we got there before the ambulance even got there. My aunt brought Lady A I saw my mom for a minute but had a bad migraine so I took the kids and went home. My sister’s ex worked at the hospital so he was there with my sis. I knew my Mom was really sick and hurting by how she was acting her eyes just kept rolling around and she couldn’t stay still. My sis kept me updated and finally came home after the doctor admitted my mom only because she was throwing up thank God they did. Turns out she had a perforated Colon we got a call around 5 am she was being rushed to emergency surgery we had like 15 minutes to get to the hospital thank God we lived so close. We got to go in and kiss her tell her we loved her and she was rushed to surgery. We weren’t prepared for after surgery she was in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator. She was in ICU so visiting hours were very limited. My stupid family was fighting about who would be allowed to see her first. I put a stop to that fast since we were her kids we got to see her first. I didn’t give a shit what my family thought or said. Me and my sister excused ourselves we had someone watch the kids so we could have a talk alone. This was right after we were allowed to go in and see her one at a time, she crashed while I was in the room, I sunk into the corner and the doctor’s and nurses were way to busy to notice me I exited quietly and didn’t even make it outside of the ICU doors before I collapsed. I was crying and freaking g out and shaking a lady with a Russian accent hugged me and comforted me. My sister went in to see my mom after she was stabilized. The doctor’s then had a meeting with me and my sister they explained that the ventilator was turned up to the max and my mom had lots of lung damage on smoking, that the hole in her colon had leaked a lot of poop in her and she would probably die. If not from infection her lungs would fail. If it wasn’t for that it could be from a number of things they really didn’t give her a chance the doctor said maybe a 10% at most. They also explained she had a colostomy bag. Honestly that wasn’t a big deal we just didn’t want her to die. She had never been sick really not even a cold well maybe a cold but other then that she was fine. 

Our meeting had to do with with what happens if she doesn’t make it, or if they said she had no brain activity. This was decisions we never thought we would face. The good thing was me and my sister were on the same page. If my mom had no brain. Activity we would shut off life support. If there was anything that could be done to save her we wanted it done. If my mom needed round the clock care we would take turn’s. After all I had been through this with my grandma. I didn’t want to do it again but I would without a second thought. My mom worked at a major grocery chain her coworkers were awesome they brought food and drink’s and donations. We couldn’t ear but the kids had to and my Grandpa and his girlfriend pigged out and took food home. My asshole family tried to step in as next of kin to make medical decisions mainly my oldest asshole Aunt she was shut down by the doctor’s. She was always causing shit she always will. My one aunt showed up buzzed with a chihuahua puppy in a pink princess animal cage. Like who the hell shows up to the ICU shit faced with a freaking dog. That’s how my family is the only ones who made it to the early visiting hours were me and my sis. My one aunt was wrapped up in her puppy the oldest was a drunken coke Bender the other was having a self pity party and the other felt no need to get ready early when she could come later. My sis and me bonded really tight. 

My mom started to wake up she couldn’t talk but she wrote notes. She did get a massive infection from a dirty IV line, the infection from the nasty stuff in her was really mild . A few nights later while visiting my mom she flipped out, she said people were trying to kill her mainly a man with a briefcase. The lung doctor pulled me and my sister outside to talk to us, he asked if my mom had been doing cocaine. I guess because the way she was acting we went along with her story and acted like we believed her we thought that was best. I was pissed at the doctor for saying that he thought my mom had been on drugs. He thought it was because she was so paranoid we insisted she wasn’t on drugs. The next night she had us kicked out because she thought we were talking shit and starting shit I’m sure my oldest aunt had something to do with that. The nurse felt really bad we had set up a special code to call and check on my mom. Really looking back I wonder if she had been on coke like she had to me or if it was the morphine. Morphine makes my mom and most of my family paranoid and act crazy. My mom pulled through but still has major medical problems from this. She always will but we have learned morphine is a no no.