Childhood scar’s

So I haven’t really talked to my mom much recently. I called her last night to wish her an early mother’s day, I wasn’t sure if she had plans or whatever so I wanted to make sure I talked to her. This is how the phone call when my sis picks up and says hold on here take it my mom says no I don’t want it. I honestly thought this was maybe about food or something, since I can’t see what’s going on I was just assuming. This back and forth between my sis and my mom went on for several minutes until my mom said yeah….. I’m like hey Mom I wanted to call and wish you a happy mother’s day. What are you doing? She said nothing then I said how are you? She said okay… was at this point I got a major feeling like she didn’t want to talk. So I asked are you busy? She’s like no I just don’t feel good right now. I said okay well I’ll talk to you tomorrow I love you, she said I love you too then I hung up. My feelings were hurt, it really felt like she didn’t want to to to me. At this point I was still clueless as what was actually going on and I was going to just leave it at that.

Then my sister calls me and said did you see how mom was being a jerk? I said yeah she really hurt my feelings. She then informs me the going back and forth between them was because my mom didn’t want to talk to me. This upset me a little more and I told my sister no biggie I won’t be calling her back tomorrow anyway I get it she doesn’t want to talk and I won’t allow myself to get upset by her anymore….at least not right now I won’t. My sis then tells me how my mom has been lately, I really don’t want to get involved because more then likely they are both at fault. I do agree my mom can be a major jerk but so can my sis hell we all can be that way from time to time.

This brought up so major bad memories about my relationship with my mom. Last night I realized how screwed up things were. I know that no parent is perfect. So I don’t expect mine to be, I am thankful for what she’s done for me.

When I was really young not even 10 I can remember my mom threatening to go lay on the railroad tracks and kill herself. At that age I begged her not to, I really thought she was going to do it. I remember her taking us to this little town in southern Arizona where we would camp and leaving us outside next door to bar with friends or maybe they were people she didn’t know to well. I remember her drinking and driving and us begging her not to. I remember her leaving us at her friends house with these awful lesbian babysitters so she could go partying. We ended up running away to the park that night and hiding under a concrete table at like midnight. I remember my sister and I were late walking home one night and she said she went looking for us and claimed she got raped and best up. It never happened later years later she admitted it was a lie. I also remember when I was an adult it was actually Thanksgiving 2006 where we invited her over, my sis and I did we cooked the whole meal. She lived in an apartment me and my sis had a house we rented. She came over and we were sitting outside she was pretty shit faced and her telling me she had a cocaine problem and then after I kind of freaked out she’s like I was just kidding I then asked her to leave. I couldn’t believe she would lie and play games like that, especially when it’s not something to laugh about. I also remember her being on coke when I was a kid, she smoked a lot of weed too. There are many more memories but you get the point.

All these memories flooded back like it was yesterday. Being an adult and older now I see how screwed up everything was. I know now why I have trust issues. I don’t remember my mom acting loving to me very much. I’m sure she said I love you but I can’t remember it.

I love my mom I do, but for me as a person to heal and move on I can’t allow the toxicity of her being this negative manipulative person in my life. I can love her from a distance where I feel safe.

I know today is mother’s day, Maybe a shitty time to share my story but I felt like I needed to get it out. Tell your mom you love her today. God only knows I wish my mother in law was here so I could tell her. She was a good mom a loving mom. The kind

you don’t have to question their love for you. I guess my mom being the way she was made me latch on to my grandma so much.