The struggle of being female๐Ÿ’…๐Ÿ‘œ๐Ÿ’„

Sure it’s great growing up playing with dolls. Playing dress up and all that fun stuff. Then bam we’re teens and all the shitty stuff starts happening. We get boobs, which not only get in the way, their kind of a pain in the ass. We got to find the right bra and finding a comfortable bra….. forget it. Padded is uncomfortable and no use if you have bigger boobs. Plus when you wash your padded bra the boob shapes never end up right again. You will end up with lop sided titties. Or a Cyclops uni-boob. Either way it’s far from sexy. If you go the wire route just know at the wrong moment your wire will rip out of the bra and impale you. It hurts most likely you will bleed and then if you’re not somewhere you can do a quick fix you will again have a uni-boob and again we are on the non sexy train. You can either try and make a hole and rip the other wire side out or jam the wire in the hole it came from. It’s a struggle no matter what you choose. Then we have the sports bra with is some what more comfortable but you always have one boob and you can’t run or you may slap yourself in the face. You will have to try and take your rouge titties. All this goes out the door when you have a strap failure, you have the option if there is enough to tie a knot or you could make a tube top bra which could fail your boobs and drop them like a bad habit. Leaving you with a oh shit nip slip. This is just the beginning….

Then we have the whole period shit. This is pure torture!!! Seriously this may in fact be the worst single thing about being a female!!! This can cause your boobs to hurt, backache, and severe cramp’s. I’m not talking like baby cramp’s in talking like don’t want to breathe feel like you’re dying cramp’s. It feels like something is attacking you from the inside like some little monster is ripping you apart. It’s always made worse by stress and life is full of bullshit and stress. Forget about wearing white or light colors. Forget about trying to prepare and predict when the evil beast is coming because you will be wrong. Forget be optimistic and thinking it’s gone too. Nope it will be right back with a vengeance. Then prepare for an emotional rollercoaster like no other, you will literally hate everyone and everything. Then you will cry over hating everyone and everything. It will completely screw with you. I don’t usually but sometimes I crave sour stuff so I eat a few lemons. I have never craved chocolate but a lot of women do. Seriously guys if or when your woman has her period be nice do something extra special because we are going through hell while our bodies battle themselves. We can also have bad leg cramp’s, get the shits or get constipated I mean the list goes on and on. NONE OF THE IS A FUN RIDE! Periods are messy and a pain in the ass. You never hear any woman say oh I wish I had my period, or I can’t wait for my time of the month. Buying pads, tampons are also expensive. It’s not like it’s something we can go without, we can’t choose not to have a period. Or be like nah I don’t need tampons.

We also have to go to the coochie doctor. We all hate this it’s always awkward, and really hard to have any kind of a conversation with a doctor whose all up in your business. The exams are not very painful but they do hurt sometimes. We usually try and picture ourselves anywhere else but where we are. Sometimes doctor’s make really awkward comments, like oh I need the smaller speculum you’re really shallow….. Ummm like I don’t give a shit don’t talk about it just get the shit over with so I can get dressed and feel like a human again. Then when we get older we have the whole mammogram thing. Yippee we get our tits squeezed in a machine like you’re milking a cow. Another awkward thing we have to endure. They hurt they pinch and no matter what men think it’s not fun having your tatas flattened like a pancake.

We also have the I’m old enough to shave stage. This is where it’s so cool to shave you feel empowered, like a real woman. You shave like every few hours, yes I’m exaggerating but you get the point. We shave even when we don’t need to when we are younger. When we are older we switch to the shaving season mode. Winter were cool let the shit grow, then summer ugh bring back the hedge trimmer we’re hairy as heck. We burned ourselves out in the early years of shaving, now we only shave below the knee.

The older we get the more shit we go through. Having a baby is great I’m sure. Unfortunately I’ll never know the feeling of being pregnant or giving birth so I can’t speak on it.

Then we have menopause to look forward too. This I can speak on because in going through it. It’s sucks like really sucks. You get horrible hot flashes, you’re moody and no one understands you. You have anxiety, depression and sleepless nights. At times nothing makes you happy. You just want to be left alone, then other times all you want is a hug and for someone to tell you it’s all going to be ok. In the dead of winter you could wake up sweaty and nasty. Guess what you still have your period too. At this point you really feel cursed. We go through so much being women I don’t think men can or will ever really grasp what goes on with us.

Sometimes I’m like wtf why couldn’t I have been born with a penis, I’m glad in a woman but it’s a struggle. So cut us some slack sometimes! It will be greatly appreciated.

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When chronic pain controls your life

When we are young we never think about getting old. We never dream that simple tasks like going grocery shopping or just taking a shower could end up being such a hard struggle. It’s like we think we’re invincible. If I had known back then what I do now, things would have been different. I would have enjoyed being more physical. I would have walk a little more. When things change it doesn’t always happen fast, but sometimes you maybe so wrapped up in other things that you ignore how down hill life is going.

I use to love to pain the inside of a house, to clean, cook and do laundry. I know those are all like chores, but I always enjoyed doing mommy or wife type things. I’d enjoy cooking and just wait for my husband to tell me how good it was before I would even eat a bite. I liked to clean and do laundry I know it’s silly, but I felt proud and needed. I have OCD so I didn’t want to leave one dish in the sink or anything out of place or undone.

As my pain started to get worse I’d find myself getting angry probably more at myself but also at my husband because he was lazy and didn’t care if our house was a little messy. He would sit there and watch TV or play video games while I struggled just to do basic household cleaning. Honestly looking back I began to have some resentment. He was in good health and either he didn’t care to notice me struggling or maybe he was just being lazy. Maybe it was both, I know you can’t make people do the same job that you do if you need help, you need to appreciate the help and not be picky. This was really hard for me to come to terms with. I know all and all me pushing myself to complete all my chores made things worse for me physically. It was me who started not being able to sleep due to the pain.

I didn’t comprehend how things would change. Maybe in a way I knew it was all getting worse but I didn’t want to succumb to it, or to really allow myself time to adjust to the changes. I was hurting so bad but I’d push through it just to finish the dishes, the laundry or anything else. Then I’d pay for it all night long and sometimes for days to follow. I started to notice my feet were numb but not all the way I could feel some but most of the time it felt as if they were sleeping and just wouldn’t wake up. I ignored it, I didn’t tell anyone.

I had an MRI done and the doctor put me on Cymbalta. The next day I was like wow this is really helping. I didn’t need a pain pill until late the next day/ early evening. I was used to taking one when I woke up and got around. So this was a welcomed change. It really seemed to help my pain, I was thankful. At the time Cymbalta was fairly new and was not covered by my insurance which was a huge downfall. I was able to get samples from my doctor for quite a long time. Then the samples ran out and I couldn’t afford to by the medicine. The doctor said the would get more samples but it may be a little bit. So I waited I think it was a little over a month when they called and said they had some ready for me. I was excited and raced down to pick them up. I took one as soon as I got home and waited……….I waited a long time. It was clear a few days to a week later it wasn’t going to help. I have no idea why but the Cymbalta had zero effect it was like I had never even taken it. I was so disappointed. I kept taking it for a while just to see if it might just take awhile to help but it never did. I weened myself off after talking to the Dr. My doctor was an older guy and retired so I changed doctors. My new doctor had me take X-rays, I waited in the room for him. When he came in he looked kinda sad. He said in surprised you can still walk. I can see why you’re in pain. He explained to me how my disks we’re in such bad shape. He said by the end of the year you will be in a wheelchair. I just nodded and fought back the urge to cry. I was alone my husband wasn’t in the room. He had an awesome nurse who hugged me and he patted me on the shoulder trying to show me compassion. I appreciated it. I was in shock and didn’t really speak. The thought of me losing my independence was scary. The rest of my appointment was a blur.

When I got outside I told my husband what was said. He could tell I was upset, he said well babe you never know maybe he’s wrong. For a long time I went with that. I was still walking by the next year, and the year after. My pain kept increasing though. I went from hurting some, to hurting most of the time to hurting all the time. Some days and times of the year would be way worse then others. Winter sucks, but winter with rain or snow is far worse. My doctor that I had grown very close to eventually moved to about an hour away I followed him there and saw him for about another year. He knew I was getting worse and he said I think it’s about time we send you to pain management. I think we all knew it was headed this way. He was hoping they could help me more then he could.

I had another MRI and it showed that the damage was worse then the other one a few years before. I also saw my neurosurgeon. She suggested a for hour MRI of my head and back one I’d have to be knocked out for. I explained it was very hard on me physically to make that 2 hour there journey and the 2 hours back was hell. She also ordered a nerve test. The man who did the nerve test said he had never turned it up so high and had no response. I thought yeah well, I have had numbness bad for about 3 years. I can’t feel my feet at all so it doesn’t surprise me. It took me a few months to do the MRI for one it’s a lengthy test so they have to clear 4 hours or more to do all the scans and I had to make sure I wasn’t hurting extremely bad before. The results showed everything was progressively getting worse, but I expected that.

There are so many bad days now the by far out weight the good ones. Out of a month if I’m lucky I’ll have 5 or 6 good days. Which I value and appreciate so much. Then there are the bad days, the ones I wish i didn’t wake up for. The nights I just lay here crying and praying for the pain to ease just a little. The car rides just to town that is maybe 10 minutes are unbearable. There is no cleaning or grocery shopping. No cooking or having any fun. Pain has ruined my life. Living like this isn’t fair it seems like punishment. This isn’t what life is supposed to be. I want to be happy, to enjoy simple things. Instead I’m left trying to barter or make a deal with God to help my pain.

I also had a MBB done which has made the pain worse. I had high hopes for it, but I was only 20 minutes down the road and crying in pain. I know it was supposed to be worse for a few days. It’s been two weeks and it hasn’t got any better.

Thanks for reading this, I know a lot of people have it worse then I do.

Chronic pain I’m your prisoner

We all have those aches and pains or pull a muscle from time to time. Almost all of us have been through the ice, heat, rest the area that’s hurting crap. It’s never fun but at least you know in all few days it will began to heal.

I dealt with random stuff like this until 2007 it was becoming clear my pain wasn’t going to go away. I slipped a disk when I was 19 and it took awhile but it healed. I was doing laundry one day and I felt a really bad pain in my back. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t stand up straight or bend over. My immediate thoughts were dammit you pulled a muscle, time for the ice, heat and rest routine again. This time it didn’t go away it eased up a little. For the most part I tried to ignore it. I didn’t pay attention to the ibuprofen I was taking and how long I had been taking them until the bottle was empty. They didn’t help anyway but I tried to fool myself into thinking they were giving me some relief. At this part of my life I cooked and cleaned and did laundry every day. I’d push through the pain and take a hot bath and tell myself it was a bad strain it needed more time to heal. Little did I know I was doing more damage.

I finally went to the er after I heard a pop and I couldn’t stand up again, I honestly thought I was being a wimp. I had xrays done and the Dr said oh it’s just a strain it will heal it may just take a little bit. So I figured he was right after all he went to school for this. I dealt with this pain some days were worse then others. The bad days they were pretty bad but nothing like it is today. The pain got worse eventually I noticed my feet were numb the first one was the left one and I dint notice but the right one eventually got that way and it goes all the way up to my knee. I never stopped to think what was causing the pain. I did go to doctor after doctor trying to find out what the problem was only to come up with no real answers but more like suggestions. Which just made me frustrated it was really like no one took me serious, and like a dumb ass I just ignored the pain and stayed busy all though by now I was taking prescription pain meds. They helped a lot and honestly made it worse because when they helped I did stuff I shouldn’t have I pushed myself even harder. I had no idea of knowing the damage I was doing.

I had a mri done of my lumbar in 2009 it showed a few problems but nothing really bad. I switched to the best doctor I could have asked for he did xrays and said I had 3 herniated disks in my lumbar. He could actually see it on an xray he did a CT scan as well. I was so mad all these other doctors I had seen either didn’t I’ve a shit or see what he saw. Which ever way it was I feel I got screwed. This was 2012 I went through physical therapy twice one in 2013 and once Inn 2016 both times were awful it hurt me worse there were days Inn couldn’t walk or get out of bed. I cride a lot but Inn had to finish the therapy to get my new mri. I was blunt with the therapist and explained I knew it wasn’t going to help me I was just there long enough to get my mri and then i was done. There were several nights I had to go to the emergency room for a shot after therapy, yes I was on pain meds but they weren’t near strong enough. I suffered a lot and I got major depressed. It didn’t help that my Dr told me I should be in a wheelchair, I didn’t want to give my freedom up. My old Dr had moved by this point and I liked the new Dr he was young and caring. He got my mri then I ended up at the er in really bad pain I was panicking because I didn’t know if it was gonna ease up or be like this from now on. I got really lucky I had the best er doctor I have ever had. She focused on getting my pain under control first off she checked on me every 30 minutes, she gave me a high mg shot. It worked I felt relief I was so happy I cried and hugged her. She had went to school with my dr so she wrote him a letter. I guess I should also mention that day I had seen a pain management Dr because my Dr said my back was beyond what he could treat. I was going to need round the clock pain meds. The pain management lady was cold and rude she was like I don’t usually give medicine my first time seeing someone. Like really wtf????? She gave me a dumb patch btw I am very sensitive to adhesive and it literally ate my skin off. This was the same night I ended up in the er. The er Dr was so upset, she didn’t understand why and how they could treat me the way they did. She gave me a prescription for different pain meds that helped me. She was an angel I was at ย my breaking point.

After that I went to see a neurosurgeon, she was really nice even though before she looked at my mri she questioned how bad I was hurting. Once we went over my mri she understood so much better. She then got a paperclip and made it straight and poked my legs up and down starting from my feet, I couldn’t feel it at all I thought maybe she was just barely poking me until I saw spots of blood. She was shocked I couldn’t feel it I wasn’t I knee I had like zero feeling until you get above my knee even then it’s still somewhat numb. She then ordered me a 4 hour full back and brain mri, I’m chlorostophobic so I freaked out about that. She explained I’d be knocked out for it due to the fact my pain was so bad she knew I couldn’t stay still that long without being in excruciating pain. She about lso ordered an eeg, which is where they check your nerves with electric stimulation and then with some small needles. I was nervous about it too let’s be honest no one likes getting poked on. The only thing I didn’t like about the Dr was the fact she was all fan girl about my neurofibrmotosis, she had never seen a patient with nf, so she was overly excited. I Hate that but it’s something I have dealt with my whole life.

I went and had the eeg done which wasn’t much fun but it was something I couldn’t avoid. They had the machine turned all the way up I couldn’t feel it, until above my knee then it felt like little shocks but it Wasn’t that bad. A dr came in to do the needle part again the machine was turned all the way up my muscles jumped a few times mainly above my knee. Then he had to do my arms to make sure which nerves were effected now that shit was awful I could feel it and it hurt. The Dr said he had never had the machine be turned up that high and not have some reaction he thought the machine wasn’t working right at first. When it was finished I was sore and had bloody spots on my legs and arms. I was just glad it was over. Later on I had huge bruises from the test on my legs and arms.

It took me a long time to get my mri done, I have asthma and kept getting pneumonia and bronchitis. I was basically sick from October until March off and on, they wouldn’t let me have it done within so many weeks of being sick because of my lungs and the anesthesia. Anyhow I finally got my mri on April 5th I was freaking out thank god for xanax or I’m not sure I could have went with it. I hate anesthesia so much I had my gallbladder out before and had a ad experience so I was super nervous. We had to get up at 4 am, not that I slept. We live about 2 hours away from the hospital. I was ok on the ride down there probably from the xanax, the Dr gave me so I wouldn’t panic really bad, I’m glad it worked. After we signed in and got to the waiting room it didn’t take long to be called in the back. The nurses were really nice she said i could keep my shirt on and my leggings since there was no metal that way I’d be more comfortable, it had a huge oversized tshirt on. I was really glad it didn’t have to wear a gown. They let my husband go in the room with me, that made me feel better. He stayed while they attempted to start an iv in each arm, both of them failed. So I got it in my hand then they put the mask on me and I was out.

I woke up to ice packs on my crotch behind my legs, on my chest and l around my head. I was pretty out of it the nurse explained I got to hot and threw up so I got a shot in my leg and that my body temp was to hugh that’s why I was covered in ice. She said they have fans and the ac turned really low but after being in the machine for four hours it caused me to get really hot. Then she went and got my husband and gave me a sprite. I had the worst taste in my mouth the rest of the day. I don’t remember the ride home, or even coming inside my house. I slept most of the day and night.

Then I figured it would be fairly easy to get my results, we’ll guess again. I went to a nurse practitioner that I see from time to time she basically told me she would get the results and call me but never did. I called to make an appointment to see my neurosurgeon only to find out her mailbox doesn’t exist so I thought I had the wrong number. I called the neurosurgery department only to find out she retired, I was like wait what????? Retired I never got a letter or a call I didn’t get shit!!!! WTF!!!!!! This really upset me I hate having to start this process over and explain all my shit to a new doctor. Even though they could read my chart that won’t do. I have to be seen for the new doctor to give me the results, my appointment is May 1st but I did get to look at my results online most of which I don’t understand.

Meanwhile I am hurting so bad I am depressed and had to start medicine for that. I also have major anxiety not knowing if the pain will ever ease up. I can’t sleep good, waking up being in horrible pain and going to sleep that way is no kind of life. I can’t hardly walk so now I’m relying on a wheelchair. I can’t do anything that I love to do, I love to cook but I’m hurting so bad by the time I’m done so I rarely do it. I feel like I’m a prisoner of my pain. I do have a good day here or there but not many. I hate the cold or any major weather change it makes the pain ย worse. Honestly I have thought about suicide more then once, I’d never do it because of my family but I’d give so much just to have my pain level at a 7 with 10 being the worst. Yes I am on strong pain medication it’s helps some, but because of the junkies and assholes selling medicine doctors are very cautious.

I know I have severe nerve damage that surgery can’t help, I also know I have several disks that are basically dissapearing which is causing a domino effect. What is there is pressing against my spinal sac. The nerve damage is what is making my feet and legs numb. I guess I’ll see if I have any tumors when I see the new doctor. Maybe she will have some new ideas of what may help me.

For now I’m a prisoner of my chronic pain. I’m thankful for the help I have from my husband. I know it’s not fair to him he didn’t sign up to be my caretaker. I hate that simple things like taking a bath is like a chore now, even grocery shopping riding on a scooter is a pain by the time I get home I’m hurting so bad I’m crying not because I want to just I can’t help it. Frustration doesn’t begin to describe how I feel.

If you suffer from chronic pain or an illness I’m sending you positive thoughts. I feel your pain! ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•